A touchy subject

Oh boy... This is like opening the box of pandora... Though... if I EVER behaved awkwardly in your presence and you wondered why, you might wanna read this.


So, it's basically common knowledge that yours truly doesn't play all too well with others. To those who are not really close to me, I often appear rude, especially when it comes to greeting habits. So here it goes, a simple explanation as to why.
(Well, not so simple maybe because thinking of it, there are so many aspects to the topic that I'd like to adress, it could get a little messy along the way...)


Apart from the fact that I just tend to completely forget to introduce myself or others, which is not the point here...
...there's this fucking hugging business.

Eeeeeeverybody is hugging everybody.
And because everybody is so used to doing that, apparently everybody expects you (ME!) to do it too. But here's the thing: I'm not a big fan of it!

I cannot count the times people have started to pout because I refused to hug them.
In one fun episode of my life, I hugged a female friend goodbye (again, not because I wanted to but because it was expected of me) and her boyfriend, which I had never ever spoken to or even met properly spread his arms and started walking towards me. Seriously, what the fuck dude! I just stood there, very confused, watching him approach, and uttered a "Uhm... No!?". And guess what, he started arguing why I would refuse him. Rude me. Really, how dare I?

I've tried a more polite approach too, believe me. Several times. It never works though. I once told a classmates friend that I would happily shake his hand goodbye instead of hugging since I didn't play the hugging game. I also told him that it was nothing personal and no sign of refusal of his personality or character whatsoever. Because really, it's not. He didn't get it. The second time I met this person, he didn't get it AGAIN. And later complained to our mutual friend about how bitchy I was..


So the question is: Why is it so hard to except that somebody doesn't want to hug you? Especially if you're basically still strangers to eachother?

I'm gonna try and explain something:

First of all, a real hug includes a level of intimacy that not everybody might be comfortable with. Like me. I'm very picky when it comes to sympathy, let alone physical or psychological intimacy. Maybe too picky, but any way, I demand you to accept it. It's as easy as that: This is my line, don't fucking cross it.
If it's not a question of intimacy to you, then, seriously, why hug in the first place?
Because to me, that's what a hug is: a very physical sign of affection, NOT just a random greeting gesture. In my book, you do it with people you actually want close to you. In a physical, yet non-sexual way, that is.

For me though, there's a second level of trouble to this matter. Put in simple words: I don't like being touched. Here's where it gets harder to explain, but bear with me.
I do not enjoy random physical contact. It might be part of my 40% sociopathic personality (I took two different semi-legit tests online and they said 40 and 44 percent, so I like to believe there's something to it haha), but I have a different, less insane theory: I actually think it's caused by a physical condition I'm very likely to have: my muscle tone is higher than normal. Now, mind you, this is not a serious illness or anything bad. Basically it means that in a relaxed state, my muscles are more tense than the average persons muscles would be. To give you an example of a result, my hands are usually closed instead of my fingers just slightly curled in a relaxed moment. When walking, I tend to clench my hands around my sleeves or any other item at hand. My MP3 player, cellphone or a can of maze, that depends :P
(Funny enough, this is often seen as a sign of insecurity too. Get your shit together, psychology...)
But back to topic: Most unintentional contact you make in a crowded place is very light, a brush of the hand, a quick stroke, somebody squeezing through a gap next to you. To muscles that are rather tense, this is an unpleasant sensation. Aaaaand so is a light let's-try-to-touch-as-little-as-possible-hug (because to my experience, that's how most hugs go about in the first place because as we learned, they are not ment to be signs of affection but merely a greeting because you're expected to do it, remember?).

Are you beginning to see the problem yet? :P


Now, before my friends who I do hug on a regular basis start freaking out: Relax.We're good. I think I've come to a level of self-awareness where I would actually tell you no if I really had a problem with hugging you. Hell, I might even enjoy hugging you hello and goodbye if we've been hanging out for a while. ;)
(Just remember to apply at least a little pressure so my muscles don't get all confused haha...)

Then again, one meets new people every now and then. And here's where it becomes aaaaaall difficult again. From when on is it ok to offer hugs? Should I hug this person in the first place? Do I want to? What if I do it now and don't do it next time, will it be weird? Maybe I'm alone with this, but that's what actually happens in my head when I've met a friendly person more than, let's say, three times.

And what's even more annoying to me: I've caught myself "forcing" a hug onto others. Me! Being the one who initiates it while sensing it might now be "appropriate" or wished for by the other person. And all the while thingking "Body, wtf are you doing???"

So... As a result to my musings about hugging: If you consider me a friend and a goodbye scene has been awkward either due to hugging or the lack of it, please please please just file it under the oddities that come with being associated with me and don't worry about it ever again.

But still...
What happened to good, solid handshakes? Or even high fives? Hell, I love high fives. Can we please bring high fiving back to life? Or even freaking cheesy secret handshakes?
Seriously though, I'm extremely happy that a) I'm not french where people rub their faces together pretending to kiss (THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN HUGGING!!!) and b) this horrible custom never reached those close to me. I've seen teens do it nowadays, even guys with guys, and I'm sorry but it's just not right...



And then there's general touching. Oooooh boy.

Same thing basically applies, to me it's unpleasant, odd, and most of all a breach of my personal space.
You all have that overly touchy friend. The one who puts their hand on your arm or leg during every other sentence.
With me, there's a very clear rule for that: Don't fucking do it.

Now I've tried to explain this to several people several times. One guy went as far as to tell me there had to be something really wrong with me because we humans are driven to eachother and we should enjoy touching and whatnot. And since I said I didn't like these things, I had to be insane.

No, no, NO! I mean, yes, the guy was right in what he said. But these are NOT the same things! Yearning for tender snuggling and human interaction is definitely a good thing, Hell, I do that! Cuddling is fun, for example, among other things (mee-hehehe). I'm a cuddle monster when it comes down to it.

And while - with people I cherish - I have no issues whatsoever with being piled up on a sofa during a movie night with some buddies, resting my head on somebodys shoulder, leaning on someone, punching or pushing somebody whenever they deserve it or do any sort of activity that justifies physical contact (like, what the hell do I know, arm wrestling or some such), any unneccessary contact is strictly to avoid. I'm not gonna bitchslap you if it happens, but as soon as it get's too much, I might just tell you to get your freaking hands away from me. And believe me, I will. I do. I did recently and guess what, the person understood, made fun of it and ever since behaved perfectly fine. Best case scenario!



Phew... I think, so far I've covered it all.
I really wish I could just print this and hand it to every person it might apply to. Because I know I will be explaining this over and over and over again. Well, maybe in the future I'll just send folks the link to this. Fuck awkward communication. ;)

So, to my real life friends, I guess: Untill we meet again, hugging or not. :P At least now you should know why I do what I do.

Random Things, II

Oh god, I woke up way too early today...


If your life was a typical action movie, the soundtrack would be:

Intro: Marily Manson - (This is) The new shit... Probably cheesy as hell, but it makes for a nice slo-mo entry scene. ;)

Birthday Party:  Katzenjammer - a Bar in Amsterdam XD

Romance between protagonists: Tricky - Hell is round the corner... Yeah ok, The Transporter 3 got to me there... big time...

Sex scene: Ah crap, there are so many "sexy songs" out there... Chester Bennington - System / Puscifer - RCV 22:20 / Depeche Mode - Behind the Wheel / ...

A big loss: Jason Walker - Down

Conflict: In Extremo - Stalker

Tragedy: VNV Nation - Illusion

Hero rising again: Hatebreed - I will be heard

Killing enemy theme:  Korn & Skrillex - Get up... the first few seconds are pretty much enough. :D

Outro: Björk - Army of me

***

Take this survey

1. What is your legal name?
This is none of the internets concern. :)

2. How do you say it?
It's simple. The actual spelling is what seems to be impossible...

3. Why did your parents decide to name you this?
I guess my mom was into flowers... Meh... :D

4. What other names were they considering?
Well they added two extra names so I guess there weren't that many left to consider...

5. Were you born first, middle or last?
2nd and thereby last.

6. When is your birthday?
in 6 months and a bit.


Friends

1. Who are your best friends?
I don't rank my friends.

2. Do you tell your best friends everything or do you keep things from them?
Everybody gets a piece of the Puzzle that is me...

3. Are you friends with an ex gf/bf?
Lol ah hell no.

4. Do friends come before family? 
Meh..

5. Do most of your friends go to your school?
Nope.

6. Do you have more friends or more aquaintences?
I'd rather call MOST of the people I know aquaintences...

7. Whos the person you have stayed friends with the longest?
Phew... Good question...

8. Does your best girlfriend come before your boyfriend?
Sorry, but nope. xD Bros before hoes hahahahaha.

Family

1. Name the people you live with:
My alter ego. o.O

2. Which parent are you closer to?
No can tell. They both rock

3. Why?
Beeeecause they both rock. xD

4. Are you close to your siblings?
Nope.

5. Who in your family do you not like so much?
Dad's side.

6. Is family your first priority?
As opposed to what?

7. Do you go on vacations all the time?
Nope..

8. Upper, middle, or lower class?
Upper. And I also snort cocaine on my private flight to my private little island.


Your house

1. What does your house look like?
It's a big lump of missmatched architecture.

2. One, two, or three stories?
4. BOOYA.

3. Describe your room in detail:
a mess.

4. How long have you lived in this house?
About three months?

5. Are the rooms big enough?
Yessir.

6. Does your house have hardwood, tile or carpet?
Tile.

7. Do you like the state you live in?
I haven't tried other states yet so what the heck...

8. Is your house in a neighborhood?
Uhm... yes... o.O


Music

1. List three of your favorite bands/musicians:
Ah jesus... Uhm... Depeche Mode, Johnny Cash, The Doors

2. Now, list your favorite song by them:
Right now? "Behind the wheel", "Hurt", "Alabama Song"

3. What was the last concert you went to?
Uhm... Stoppok. <3

4. Do you listen to music 24/7?
Almost. :D

5. What are your favorite song lyrics?
I like the lyrics of Alex Clares Trading Water...

6. Do you and your friends listen to the same type of music?
Mostly.

7. Who are your favorite singers?
David fucking Draiman o______o

8. What do you think is good dance music?
Drum&Bass xD


WHAT IF?

1. You were given a million dollars right now?
I'd buy a bunch of new gadgets like a new laptop, a new cellphone, a new everything.

2. You got pregnant?
Oh my... that would be... inconvenient...

3. You could only eat one food for the rest of your life?
I'd die of malnutrition, simple as that.

4. You were chosen to be on Fear Factor?
???

5. Your boyfriend cheated on you?
Well... "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn", right?

6. You had one day to live?
That's one hell on an ugly question. :(

7. Your best guyfriend told you that they love you?
Awkward...

8. You broke your leg?
I'd make people sign my cast yaaaaaaaaaay hahahaha.


Movies

1. What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
The Hobbit

2. Was it good?
THEY FOOLED ME!!! I missed the fact that they broke it into several parts. xD

3. Do you go to the movies or rent them more often?
*harrumphs* stream...

4. How much does a movie ticket cost where you live?
Too damn much. o.O

5. Do you get snacks at the movie theater?
If I had that million dollars we talked about earlier, I might...

6. Do you like cliche movies even though they are so predictable?
Meh... Depends.

7. Popcorn or Candy?
POPCORN *love*

8. Have you snuck food in the theater?
Yessir.

Random

2. What do you like in your coffee?
Milk & sugar.

3. How have you changed in the past year?
Enough to be proud.

4. How much have you given up for the person you love?
Well... hmm... A steady amount of nookie, that's for sure. XD

5. What books are on your summer reading list?
Errrr lots and lots and lots. :D

6. What would you change about your life if you could?
Dunno...

8. Does anyone look up to you?
Apparently some people over-idealize me. I don't get it.
And then again, there are actually some digital artists who say that they do, which is really nice to hear...

2012

Sooooo... New year and all that...

But before we get started, on a side note: You know what's funny? My last post about attractive features holds the record on the highest amount of hits of all my posts so far. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED? xD



But back to topic.
So we all acknowledge that the world didn't end and we all have to deal with yet a new year, yet a new challenge not to screw up every time you have to write down dates. You can't help but look back, right?


2012 has been quite an interesting year for me, and a year dominated by change.

For instance, I'm living on my very own for the first time... and I'm actually still alive! Eeeverybody seemed to be scared I'd either starve or die from a junk food overdose OR suffocate in my own mess. While my tidyness has not really changed for the better, neither of the food fears have come true. Go me!

The whole moving issue also means I'm pet-less for the first time since I was 18. So sad. Now I can't pretend I'm talking to the cats when I'm actually talking to myself. Bummer. I miss the little buggers soooo much. :(

Also, yours truly, the little Miss Sociopath, got a job working in retail. With people. PEOPLE! Now, since I'm already planning on putting this into its very own post (oh my god it's gonna be so good...) I'm not gonna go into detail. But hey, it's an actual job and not one of the shoot-me-in-the-head dull activities I got paid for so far. So yay!

Talking about work, my pseudo-job as a digital artist has taken quite a spin to a more professional direction, thanks to a friend who apparently believes in what I do. Which is plain awesome. I'm really freaking excited about the things to come in 2013. Stay tuned for some fun things.

There has also been some important change in the overall "people" section.
Basically, it's interesting to see how I got closer to some people I've known for a while, met some very interesting, exciting new folks along the way and pushed others far, far away. And each of these developments has prooven to be good and healthy & I wouldn't have it any other way. It's fair to say that I've become more egoistic in choosing my company, picking only the people that I know are good for me. Bad behaviour? Maybe. But I'd rather be mean and healthy than ever-so-polite and uncomfortable to an extend that makes me mentally vulnerable. I'm also avoiding the drama that comes with certain people because, sorry guys, I have to spend most of my energy on, well, me, and the matters that are actually important.



So... 2013... Where do we go from here?

I'd like to get the whole photography thing back to where it was before 2012 (it has been a slow, slow year on that matter) and also get back to the digital work I've been dodging for the last months.
Also, I'm looking forward to my first paycheck. ;) I'm not gonna start buying random shit just because I can, but it'll surely be nice to be able to get, dunno, maybe an actually working cellphone, haha. I might even get one of these magical gadgets without buttons and all that... :P

And as usual, I'm going to try and make this MY YEAR. The circumstances are good, so look out, 2013, here I come...

Attractive Features?!

Have you ever wondered what makes people attractive to you?

A friend and me just got into that topic a few days back, talking about the things that we go for look-wise.
And I wondered: Of all the people I ever found attractive, how could it be they looked so very different from eachother? There were guys with long hair, short hair, no hair at all, tall ones, smaller ones, the big buffs as well as those who weren't much wider than me... I don't seem to have a definite "type"... or do I?


So what is it we look for?
My friend told me that one thing he has to analyze and approve is the shape of a girls nose. Silly little me, I started laughing at the oddity of this confession. I was very much convinced that my go-to-things were less insane.

Guess what, they're not.


I found myself staring at guys' necklines on an escalator. You know, the shape of the hairline on the neck? And my brain wasn't offering much but "om nom nom nom nom" - allthough I hadn't seen their faces yet. Weird, right?

A female friend of mine once told me that the shape of a guys calfs were hot. Equally weird in my eyes. I personally have never been interested in a guys legs before. :D

Another (male) friend has a thing for collarbones.



Then again, there are the things that seem rather normal to be attractive on males. Dominant cheekbones and a strong jawline. Lower arms with prominent vains. A toned back. An intense eye colour and a cheeky smile. And voices. Oooh yes, voices, deep dark voices with a slight rasping sound to it... Uhm... back to topic...
These things work for me, at least.
 I'm sure the next best person would create a very different list.

But then again, how come there seems to be a thing like "general beauty", making a person seem attractive to a lot of different people at once? I keep thinking about a class from a while back. The teacher was new and I swear, after just the first lecture, 80% of the females who had attended it had a giant crush on him. Including me. But here's the thing, the blushing and giggling girls left and right from me that day might have boyfriends I wouldn't even remotely be interested in if I met them.

This is so confusing. xD


Actually though, I think there -is- a solution for me. Because the similarity I DO find in most people I'd "approve" is this: They all had and have a strong character, they present themselves as confident, they are cheeky and funny. "Wait," you might say, "we were talking about looks!"
Well you know what? I believe confidence shows in your face. So here we go, it IS something pretty visible. And apparently I digg that look. ;)

(On a side note, I think this is what makes some people desirable even if they're - by normal standards - not visually attractive!)

Happy things, Part I

Sooo I've been told many-a-times that most of what I decide to write down is negative, mocking or just plain mean. It got as far as to people telling me I must have a very negative approach on everything, a cynic view on life itself and a sad, sad soul.


Guys...
No.


As odd as it may seem, I'm a very cheerfull person. I take bliss from the most normal, small things. There hasn't been a day in my life when I have not laughed out very loud at least once. And it's not just because I was laughing at somebodys misery. :P


So here is proof, a list of things that make me happy. In the spirit of christmas, if you will...

• Strawberries. Strawberries are the only proof I need to know that there, in fact, IS a mercyfull god. 
• Art. 
• falling asleep next to someone you love. 
• Freckles. 
• Picknicks. 
• Books. And anything under 500 Pages is NOT a real book. 
• Chalk. And Chalkboards. Wheee... 
• Steampunk. 
• Inside-beautiful people. Well, outside-beautiful ones too but those are only fun to look at. 
• Scooby Doo! 
• Funny people. There should be more actually funny people. 
• Treats. 
• The kind of clothes one isn't really supposed to wear outside on a normal day... You know... Like pettycoats and hooded capes and all that. 
• Whispers. 
• Jumping into puddles. 
• Hot Chocolate. 
• Coffee. With a LOT of cream. 
• Thunderstorms. 
• Autumn. 
• making people smile. 
• being overly childish every now and then. 
• Crafting. Manual work. 
• Audio Books. 
• The voice of David Draiman. Om nom nom. 
• Voices in general. Languages. Dialects. TALK to me people. :D 
• Real kids. The kind that still plays outside and comes home with clothes so dirty they get stiff. 
• Brothers cooking skills. Madly. 
• Texas hold'em. 
• the very first 5 seconds after lying down on a bed with fresh sheets. 
• being in a disgustingly good mood without any apparent reason. 
• Trip Hop 
• XL-Sweaters. Preferredly those belonging to other people. 
• Couple pictures. I could plaster my room with couple pics. Oh wait, I did that some time back... 
• Things that look good when set on fire. 
• DIY 
• those little momentswhen you're nothing but completely ok with the universe. 
• Dr. House. 
• Getting to know new people. I might only like very few of those, but it's still fun to check people out... 
• the little Bit falling asleep on my back. 
• Music that screams at me.

Weird World we live in, Part III

Gay marriage.

Yes.

I'm not going to talk about the thing itself because a) I'm in a horrible rush and b) what the hell do I care? Let folks be happy. Let them have a big, big party. For the heck of it. I'm not particularely anti or pro.


But I just had an epiphany out of freaking nowhere and had to share it haha.
The catholic church tells us that gay marriage isn't right and can thereby not be done or God will smite us all dead or some such bullshit. So no equal rights and bla bla bla.

Uhm...

Hey, Pope, I'm really sorry to tell you, but your club didn't INVENT marriage. o.O People bonded for life waaaay before you came along.*
And since as far as I know, state and church are still two different things, who the fuck are you to say that YOUR kind of marriage is the only kind that should be accepted by the laws of the STATE?


I'm probably getting something terribly wrong, esp. since I never really thought the whole thing through, but this thought is going to be stuck in my head untill somebody explains it all to me.

As of right now, this is not even remotely structured. Maybe I'll get back to it later. Probably not though.


(*Joseph and Maria were married, right? They had to have been right? Otherwise, wouldn't Maria have been in big, BIG trouble? Oh wait, yeah, the immaculate conception thing... ... ...
Wait a minute, I feel another epiphany coming my way.......................... xD)


With that, I'm off to work.
I'll just let YOU deal with the mayhem of this entry.
Haha.

It's a weird world we live in, Part II

Just a few minutes ago, while waiting for my train amongst saturday nights drunk leftovers walking past, I found the following campaign on a screen:

Youth against AIDS.
Don't let HIV ruin your dreams.

Use condoms.


It kinda got me thinking. And I know I'm probably making a lot of people hate me with this... But wouldn't the appropriate way to stay healthy of all sorts of STDs in the first place to... not fuck around as much?
I am NOT saying that everybody who ever got HIV is or was a slut, hell no.
But we all agree that jumping from one bed into the other is preeeeetty much exposing you to a much much higher risk, right?


Here's the ugly truth, I'm extremely conservative when it comes to relationships and all that. I honestly believe that to enjoy some nookie, you should be a couple. For more than a few hours.

GET TO FREAKING KNOW EACHOTHER FIRST!

(Here's the thing. I joke about jumping this and that celebrity a LOT. I say things like "Yeah I'd totally do Hugh Jackman!" just because he's really hot. But you know what? I wouldn't. Because I don't know the guy. It's as simple as that.)


I do NOT get the concept of going out with the fixed plan to get laid by pretty much anyone. At all. It's alien to me.
(Or, for that matter, not plan it but end up going home with a person just because he/she is willing. That's doggie behaviour: "The food is here so I'm just gonna eat it, no matter if I'm hungry or not. Because food is fun, that's why.")
If it's your thing and you want to do it, fine.
But if you want to be all grown up about your sex life, be grown up enough about your health too. This is not even all about morals!
Campaigns like the one I mentioned are made for a reason. Which leads me to another part I don't get, aren't we all smart enough and educated enough to know about proper protection? I mean, really, can a western world teen manage to not know about it? Even the obnoxious teen magazine BRAVO tells you all about it.

So HOW is it they still have to remind everyone?


And if you were too drunk to stop yourself from banging that stranger AND too drunk to know what you're doing, well, maybe you're too immature to have either sex or booze. And especially both at the same time.
And do NOT tell me "It just happens." Here's a hint: IT DOESN'T. It takes a bunch of decision by at least two grown up people, there are things you have to in order to get going, NONE of these things JUST HAPPEN.
I've even heard this: "I had no condoms at home/with me." Jesus Christ. Again, the solution is SO easy: No condoms? DON'T FUCK!

Also, to quote a fun thing I read a while back so we don't end this in an all too somber way:
"If you go home with somebody and they don't own any books - don't fuck with them."