People. Working in Retail.

I promised it, you probably didn't want it, you get it anyways – a sociopaths musings about working in retail.

(DISCLAIMER: I love this job. I love the fact that I HAVE this job. I enjoy the company of my colleagues and my boss, they are all very very lovely people and I sincerely mean that. I just couldn't do it forever and every now and then I get frustrated.)

Let me tell you one thing first: It's FUN! If you didn't think humanity was fucked yet, try a retail job. You won't be disappointed.

You will meet the most different types of clients. OF COURSE the majority is a bunch of nice people who just choose a few items, maybe ask you something, are very polite and wish you a nice day when they leave. And I'm really happy they exist, I'm nice to them, they make me smile. But those people aren't much fun talking about, right?

So there are others. The bitchy, the stupid, the rude ones. The ones that make you snap. The ones you'd really like to bitch-slap every now and then. And then again, there are those who don't deserve your anger but make you wonder what the hell kind of world we live in.

Now, most of my friends know how I am with strangers. Or people in general. I've been asked "How do you DO it?" Easy: An insane amount of self control. I try to lock Sociopath-Me in as best as I can. It still speaks to me and does really, really funny things in my head, definitely. But most of the times I manage not to actually SAY these things out loud. One quite amazing coping mechanism I use is the “Client of the day” award. This can go either to amazing or to freakishly annoying people, depending on who outdoes who on any given day (I might list a few fun people later on). Plus, you're never alone in the store for longer than 30 minutes so you can always vent with your coworker.

To give you an insight to my suffering, I invented another coping mechanism called the “annoying client categories”. If you find yourself among any of them, shame on you.

The Digger:

Diggers are the most frequent and probably most exhausting kind of annoying client.

The Digger in general is the type of creature who unfolds EVERYTHING, even if they have no intend of buying ANYTHING. I almost get it. We have a lot of t-shirts with picture or wording prints. Naturally, if a shirt is properly folded, you can't read or see the whole print, so it does make sense to pick up and unfold the shirts. What I don't get is what often happens afterward. Some folks neatly fold them again and put them back where they belong. Thank you, stranger, I'd love to give you a medal. Some folks try to at least put them back half-neatly. Those still deserve a smile and points for trying.

The Digger, however, doesn't give a fucking shit about the things as soon as it's seen them. It just randomly throws back the item that has just been picked up, sometimes not even on the right pile. Which is NOT that hard.

There are different danger levels when it comes to digging, though.

Code Lemony Green: Drop things tangled back on the right pile.

Code Yellow: Divide the stack picking a shirt your size, unfold, drop and put the other neatly folded shirts back on top. Wtf?

Code Orange: Pick, unfold, drop at ANY random place in the store (like a mens shirt next to the bikinis because you just decided you don't want it anymore. Alternatively: hang things that are on hangers somewhere random. Not only do I have to deal with your mess, I also have to FIND it first which mostly happens by coincidence and thereby not very often.

Code I-want-to-hurt-you-real-bad-Red: Find a pile of shirts you want to look at. (We stack the same shirts on a pile, smallest size on top, largest size on the bottom.) Unfold EVERY! SINGLE! ONE! of these absolutely identical shirts and then just leave a tangled mess behind. I swear this has happened. Best variation: Don't even try on any of them. Just create a mess and walk away. Thanks, really, I love you.

Code “Just what the fuck, really”: When bringing back stuff from the changing cabins, put a neatly folded shirt back where it belongs – but it's tuned left side out. What? WHAT?

The Crammer:

The Crammer is of roughly the same species as the Digger, only that its habitat resolves not around folded shirts but everything that is stored on clotheshangers.

Now, the right way to put hangers back is this: Look where it belongs. It goes where something looking the same is placed. Good so far. Ok, now push the other hangers on the rack slightly to either side to make a little space. Put the hanger straight in the space you created, making sure the hanger is parallel to its brothers and not poking under or over another. Thanks, go on.

But...

The ways the Crammer puts hangers back where it took it from (if even!) are indescribable. Really, I would have to attach pictures to make you feel the ultimate horror a Crammer causes. I wonder how it manages to create the chaos that it leaves behind. Imagine a rack with about 5 hangers completely GORDON-KNOTTED to eachother (I know it's plastic and you can't knot it, but work with me here...), 3 of them dislocated so badly that whatever was on them has now slipped to the ground, 2 of them sticking out so everybody walking by will eventually get stabbed by them, and the little satin ribbons that help keeping stuff on the hanger all slung around every extremity of the hanger-creature that the Crammer gave birth to. The only thing to do here is try to dislocate the whole row, throw it on the floor, jump on it a little and cry.

The Dropper:

It happens. You brush by something and an item drops from the hanger. If just the fabric slips and you are looking somewhere else at the time, I totally understand you not realizing it and just walking past. We're good. If you drop a hanger, however, it makes a noticeable sound. The only way I let this slip is if you're either on the phone or wearing headphones. Or you're deaf. But I've also had people drop something, quickly look if I've seen it, and if I appear to be preoccupied (I'm good at faking that!) just keep on going without picking it back up. Really, what the hell? Classic Dropper. And I don't get it. It mostly happens with young clients, but I've seen grownups do it.

The Public Changer:

Apparently, at our store, the changing cabins are hard to find. Not for me, but I keep being asked if we even have any. Some people, however, don't even try finding them. They seem to mistake the mirrors inside of the main store as a replacement for the changing cabins. I do get that if you're just trying on a jacket real quick. But if you pick something up, walk in front of the next mirror, try it and then decide you're also a code orange Dropper, screw you. A LOT of times, I find a whole stash of random clothes right next to one of our main mirrors (funny enough it's the one closest to the cabins!). Plus, guys, if you try on a shirt over your own shirt and then decide to take it back off, remember that it's really likely that your belly will show during the process. And, surprise, that's not necessarily something the workers or clients need to see. Don't be a Public Changer, the cabins and some privacy ain't that far away.

The Latie:

We close at 2000. Sharp. If you come in at 1956, please do not expect me to present the whole store to you. Instead, I will very clearly tell you that there's no time to try anything on anymore, and when it's 1959, I WILL insist on you stopping your crouching through the store and coming to the register. “But you still have to be here anyways” is NOT a good point. I've heard it anyways.

The Nester:

The classical Nester is the type of creature that takes shopping very serious. Meaning they try on a LOT of stuff. In some rare cases, the Nester will ignore the “unwanted clothes hanger point thingie” (???), bring about 90% of stuff back by itself and actually put it in the right place, maybe even if it's folded and all. That's a GOOD Nester.

Bad Nesters, however, are a different thing. And yet again, there are different levels of frustration available

Code Lemony Green: Be so damn unaware of your body that you need to bring ALL AVAIABLE sizes of one item to the cabins. Happens with Bras, also happens with everything else. I've seen tiny, tiny girls pick up extra large sized jackets. Honey? No. Just no.

Code Yellow: Try on 50 different items, leave them lying and hanging around. I mean, I desire your dedication, but it's a lot of additional work for the workers, and especially if you decide to buy zero items afterward, we tend to get a little frustrated with you.

Code Light Orange: Put stuff out of the cabin onto the return-stash... but do it in 2 seconds. Which leaves me with a bundle of tangled clothes and a pile of hangers. Or clothes that have been put back on the hangers in ways I just don't understand. Left side out, knotted to it, some folks have even just poked the hanger through the fabric if it allows such action. What the hell?!

Code Dark Orange: Decide you want to put things back yourself. Realize you can't find its original place. Put it somewhere else and hope nobody notices – instead of just leaving it at the return-stash. (See, this case is really close to the “Code what the fuck, really?” Digger. My theory is cross-breeding!)

Code Red: Try on a crapload of stuff. Leave the stuff in the cabin. On the floor. On a big pile. Leave the hangers basically everywhere. I've seen it, I swear. Mostly happens with teen clients.

On a side note, I have to say that I prefer people using the return thing instead of trying to put everything back themselves and then messing up. :/

The Returner:

Sure, it is every clients right to give stuff back if it doesn't fit, match something they bought it to match with in the first place or if it simply falls apart after one wear.

But of course, that's not always what happens.

There are three kinds of Returners:

Chronic Returners, which, as you may guess, are creatures you see very often and who buy stuff very often... and then give it all back the next day. Or even just half of the stuff. Because they decided otherwise. They don't do any harm whatsoever, but it's still slightly annoying...

Angry Returners. Oooooh, a fun species. These are the people who, just as an example, manage to destroy their item at home and then come back to return it – and they get extremely angry at ANYTHING you do, most probably as a defense mechanism.

Ask for the receipt and they don't have it? It's MY fault. I never gave them the damn thing, of course.

Ask them to please write down their name and address so you can enter it into the needed documents? How do I DARE demanding their personal data.

Can't read the name because it looks like chicken scratch? I'm stupid, obviously.

Politely tell them that for whatever reason, you can't take the item back (destroyed, dirty, worn out, blabla)? FUCK ME AND SOME OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS!

The whole thing takes too long (It does take a few minutes because the cash register requires a lot of data input and whatever)? Impatience and a lot of annoying comments, which, surprise, don't really help speeding up the whole thing.

THIS category might have the potential to make me snap at some point, I'm sure of that. Just the other day, one lady almost managed to. Sociopath-Me suggested to strangle her with the belt she tried to return – without a receipt, of course, and DEFINITELY worn more than once. Did I mention the thing had already been on discount and she bought it for 2,99€? Not surprisingly, she got a Client of the Day-Award!!!

And then there is the Stupid Returner. It's only purpose in life is to try and return stuff I CANNOT and will not take back. Like piercings and earrings. Newsflash, darling: No normal store in the freaking world is allowed to take those back due to hygienic reasons. I'll happily tell you why I can't do it, I might as well be very graphic about how this item has been poked through an artificial hole in your body that might very probably not be sterile. I might even elaborate on how it's not sterile. You're welcome.

The Whiner:

Probably my favorite.

There is no way to generalize this category, these come in all shapes and colours. They do, however, mostly show up among the Returners category.

But even if they aren't returning anything, the Whiner will always find something to complain about. And they never hesitate to give you a part of their opinion. Ever. I've had people whine about:

• us not having chairs in the store. Seems legit, but holding on to yammering after I explained how and why is not really productive. I'm not a wizard, I can't MAKE you a chair either. Sorry.
• a tiny TINY fault in the (really stupid) print on a 5,99€ shirt. Jesus Christ, lady, pick another one for Gods sake! (Funny enough, at one occasion, a lady I tried to get to just take a different one with the same size came back to the register with no less than 5 or 6 shirts in her hand. Confused, I gave her a look aaand that remarkable woman listed extremely minor flaws on each of the shirts, asking me to either take them out of sale or label them with a discount price. Said flaws were things like a loose thread sticking out of a seam. One of them actually just had a tiny flock of fabric stuck to the print.
• the quality of our clothes. You know, our clothes are rather cheap. There's only so much you can expect. If you're standing at my register, keeping on yammering about how bad this print is going to look after washing it once and how your son isn't going to enjoy this for long, I always feel the urge to suggest the following: DON'T BUY IT!!!
• us not selling larger sizes than XL (42 and 44). Now, in case you don't know that, no store like ours does. In fact, everything larger might have to be sought for in special clothing stores. I'm almost sorry you're too large for our largest shirt. But again, after I explained, keeping on venting isn't going to summon a size XXXL shirt. Ever.
• us not selling SMALLER sizes than XS. Not having the kid sizes on the clothes, too. Let me put it very clearly: We're NOT a kids store. Our XS is really really small, yes, but we're NOT obliged to put toddler-size numbers on anything.
• me not being able to tell their sizes just by looking at them. As in “Which jeans size do I need?” Sorry, I'm sure some people are able to do it. I can't. If I could, I'd be at a very exclusive tailoring studio, not helping out at a random teenie store. I'm happy to help you figure it out, but I have to guess at first just like you seem to have. Wait, why exactly don't you know your freaking size???
• us running out of sizes. It's the law of resources and interest, there's little I can do about that. Asking me 20 times if we might still have the desired item back in the storage is not productive.
• the kind of clothes/prints we sell. As if me or even my Boss could change anything about that. The amount of times Moms have whined in my ear about this stuff is countless. See “The t-shirt of Evil” for a fun example.
• us not selling the kind of clothes you re looking for. You are aware that I cannot change that, right? Right??
• the music at the store. Hold your horses, ma'am, I PROMISE you, if I could change something about that, I totally would.
• Prices. It happens. I've had a female stunned by the 150+ bucks she had to pay, she was convinced I had to be wrong because everything was so cheap. But darling, buying 25 cheap items adds up.

The Second-Guesser:

Now, I don't like this in outside-of-my-job-life either. I'll tell you that much: If my colleague or boss correctly answered your question, turning to me asking me the very same thing is not affective. Asking me (or somebody else, for that matter) if what she said is true is just motherfucking rude. Don't! Don't put yourself in this category.

And as I mentioned, asking me the same thing again and again might most probably not change the answer. If I told you once that we very seldomly hold things in storage and your item is definitely NOT among them, I'll happily tell you the SAME thing the second and third time. Also, when I say “I don't think we still have this in storage.”, you asking “Are you sure?” also seems rather rude. Really, next time I'll just say “Of course not” and walk away.

That, however, does not mean that when in doubt, I MYSELF would not turn to a coworker or my Boss for help answering your question.

The Bad Decider:

As much as I'd love to make this about people who pick up very unflattering and inappropriate things, the Bad Decider is a species that decides to be insecure about their purchase THE MOMENT I ENTER EVERYTHING INTO THE REGISTER! When it's basically too late. I mean, yes, I am ABLE to cancel the process, but JESUS CHRIST, you're a GROWN-UP, I expect you to be able to decide on that shit before you go to pay for it!

Also, of course you have every right to ask me for help picking out things and deciding between this and that, but I don't know your style. Don't ask me weird questions about if the thing you picked up represents your personality.

The Un-Mother:

I get that women with children need clothes, too. And I do get that you would love some peace and quiet while looking for some. That, however, does not allow you to

• let your kids roam freely through the store, which always ends in a catastrophe (and then probably yell at me for nicely telling your kids not to do this or that)
• just leave your Stroller anywhere. Especially if your toddler is really really unhappy and YELLING and screaming bloody murder. TAKE CARE OF THE LITTLE FUCK, YOU'RE HIS MOM FOR CHRISTS SAKE!
• “park” your kid at the cash register for the nice lady working there to watch over it. Not my job. I will happily let your kid tell me about its day at the kindergarden, I might even explain what I'm doing and whatnot, but I will NOT look after and entertain your offspring for 30 minutes. Except if you pay me extra for it and maybe give me a job as a babysitter after I have been fired for not doing my job properly.
• give your kid some sort of snack to shut it up and then stop caring. That snack will eventually end up crumbled all over our store floor. Same goes for spilled juice – if a little food accident happened in the changing cabins, fucking tell us. We won't behead you! We will, however, behead you if you just move on and the next client screams at us because the cabins are in such a dire state of disorder.
• let your kin climb onto my register. Or even place it there yourself. It. Is NOT. A bench (only exception: You have a toddler and have been stupid enough not to bring a carrier of sorts and need any of your hands for a change). You wouldn't believe how often it happens. It gets even funnier if your kid is just as stupid as you are and is boycotting my work by putting its hands everywhere that could possibly be in my way. Again, if I have to tell your kid to please stop what it's doing and you dare to snap at me for it, I'll staple your face!

The Flirter:

Urgh.

You can guess what that is about.

Now, when I started working in retail, a friend told me to expect a LOT of being hit on by clients. Actually, it doesn't happen that often. To me, at least, haha. Anyways, the point is, when it happens, it's incredibly awkward in 90% of all cases (apart from the fact that being hit on is pretty awkward anyways...). Like so:

• The guy flirting with you could be your father or even your grandfather
• The guy has his wife or girlfriend with him.
• The guy has his kids standing next to him.
• The guy is just horribly bad with words.
• The guy is just violently unattractive. Sorry, but eww. :(
• Also available in any imaginable combination of the above. Worst combination yet: the guy being older than my father, unattractive (really short but making up for it in width), bad with words aaaaand his sons were roundabout my age. They might have been more embarrassed than I was...

I just had a man hit on me the other day. Now, he was subtle about it, he was really attractive, confident (the guy was at least 3 inches smaller than me. Points for courage! :P) but HIS DAUGHTER WAS TRYING TO PICK UP SOME SHORTS! She was maybe 12. And so adorable! And also being on the phone with her mom. This is just WRONG! Kids aren't that stupid. What the heck is your daughter supposed to think when daddy is being confusingly nice to a woman that's not her mommy?

The “Smart”:

The “Smart” will try to fool you into selling it an already rather cheap item for even less money. For example they nibble off a “Sale”-Label from another piece of clothing, put it on a different item and then demand to pay exactly what this label says. Let me tell you a secret: If you do that to a shirt that I JUST unpacked, that is brand new and therefore most definitely not on sale, it's really dumb. And I will not hesitate on telling you exactly that.

The “Smart” will also try and cheat when returning something. Or stuff like that.

And then, of course, there are creatures like Thieves, Bubblegum-Droppers, everything that will annoy you at any given job on any given day. *sigh*

If I ever come up with more categories, I'll let you know.


EDIT: NEW CATEGORY!
The Reserver!
The Reserver  is another really special kind of person. It wants to buy things - but not now!
It happens. You see something you really want but you are in a hurry, or you didn't get this months pay yet or want your kin/special someone to look at the item with you tomorrow and the such... Those people are people, not Reservers.
The Reserver, again, comes in different sub-species.
The Mass-Reserver for example brings a SHITLOAD of stuff to the register, asking if you could put it on hold for them. Ooooof course I can.
The CHEAP Mass-Reserver does the same thing. But... Wait a second, the stuff you do not want to buy now but at some point eventually is on sale. "I am sorry, Ma'am, I cannot reserve items on sale for you." Oh boy. Oooooh boy. They NEVER understand that. Discussion insues. Frustrated client leaves. Fuck you, client, I don't need you anyways. Thanks for leaving everything in a mess for me to put back where it belongs.
The Indecisive Reserver tends to bring the same item in three different sizes because they neither know their size nor want to try them on now. Ugh.
The Asshole Reserver brings an unspecified amount of things and never comes back to pick it up. And a week later they come back in and try again with different items. OR they name a date untill when they want to pick it up, come back in WAY later and start bitching that their item is gone.

Whatever they bring, whoever they are, the discussion at the register is the same in 90% of all cases:
"Can you hold this for me?"
"Sure, when can you come pick it up?"
"Well how long can you hold it?" Ok, at this point, you lost. I try to avoid answering this question. Because AS SOON AS YOU SAY "Up to a week." they go "A week it is, then!" Urgh.

Ragequit, Miss M. out.

People, Part I

Yaay, new category!

Now, before we get started:
This thing has been abandoned for a while. I still get page hits every day. Which, quite frankly, amazes me. Why it has been so inactive lately, I hear nobody ask? Well, it's not like I don't have a crapload of things to whine about, ooooh no no no. But sadly, life is keeping me really really busy these days. And even if I get a break, there always seems to be something that keeps me from blogging. Like this one time, I was on the train and was writing a blog entry about Working in retail. Remember, I promised to do it. Aaand I was on a roll. I was typing like a maniac... when some fucking teenager annoyed me SO much that I got SO angry I started shaking and could neither concentrate on the task ahead nor type properly. Ever since, that entry has remained unfinished.
But today, I decided that despite all my to-do-things, I'd sit down for a few minutes and get another entry going.

By the way:
If you ever read this, stupid kid from the train: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MORON, I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR MOM FOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU!




Now that that's off my chest............. :)
It's actually a reeeeally good bridge back to: "Yaay, new category!"

Now... People.
Let me explain this: Whenever I start with "People", close friends of mine know that there's a story to come. And most of the times, it's a good one. See, I don't know if I'm a magnet for odd people or if it's just that nobody else gets as excited by the nature of humans as I do and feels the urge to tell others about it. Because I LOVE telling people about weird stuff other people did. And I'm a big storyteller! I'm the Barney Stinson of complaining! Instead of telling everybody about how I got laid by someone, I just tell everybody about how I got annoyed by someone. It's like my "thing" and I've had people ASK me to please collect more odd stories to tell. Seriously.

So, here we go, a new category about odd stories of odd behaviour by odd people I met in my life. Maybe you'll enjoy it. Maybe you won't. Maybe these stories are boring for you, especially since some of them don't have a big showdown at the end or any moral to come out of them except that humans are weird. Most of them don't have an exciting ending to them.
I just collect them in my head because in all seriousness, the behavior of some people astonishes, amazes and captivates me.
(Actually, if YOU, dear reader, have a lovely story about strange people and are willing to write it down, feel very, very free to send it to me and I'll include it in my blog! Yay!!!)


*drummroll*
The Lady on the train
I don't actually remember WHY I just remembered this today and had the urge to blog about this special event, but here it goes:
As some of you may know, my way to university and back home requires me to take a 1.5 hour train trip back and forth. So one day I was at the big train station in my university city and this old lady had two large bags to struggle with, trying to get them into the same train that I had to use. Being raised the way I was raised - thanks, Mom! - of course I asked if I could help her with the bags and eventually carried both of them into the train and to a free area with an easily accessable seat for the lady. I don't recall if she thanked me or not, but let's say she did.
I sat down on the opposite seating row (?), put on my anti-human-bullshit-devices (aka hedphones) and opened a school book, minding my own freaking business. A guy in his fourties sat next to the old lady and they eventually started chatting.

Now, I had my headphones on but no music playing so I could hear them.
And to my utter dismay, it did not take very long for that old hag to start complaining about how fucked up youth was nowadays and how they were all alcoholics and rude and criminals and she probably suggested to shoot all of us. After somebody who's clearly still a part of "youth nowadays" carried her bags and was really polite and all.
Funny enough, the guy she was talking to - who had not been there to witness my act of kindness - pointed at me saying "Well they're not all that bad, look at this young lady reading peacefully."... which led the old fart into another venting spree about how we're all the same.

Fuck you, lady. I hope you remembered me trying to get off the train with your bags.


And since we're talking old folks, here's another story that came to my mind today:
The pretzel thief:
One beautifull day, I was out grocery shopping.
Long story short, I was at the counter, my food was all spread up on the running band thingie and an elderly couple was ahead of me. Somewhere on my part of the band, I had a see-through bag with two "pretzels" (We call them Bretzel and it sorta hurts me to use the american spelling...). The lady from the couple kept eyeing me and the bag, "whispering" stuff to her husband in the loud whisper that I love so much. So I got curious and overheard her tell her husband that I stole their pretzels. Remember, we're BOTH still waiting in line so she hasn't even paid for anyting. The lady eventually gets excited and snatches my bag of pretzels, putting it on top of her stuff. I'm all like "Excuse me, miss?" and she starts yelling at me and accusing me of the riddiculous charge... untill her husband finally steps in telling her that they didn't even have any pretzels in their shopping cart. You'd think the lady would apologise, right? Wrong. She eventually left, still shouting and yelling and I just stood there, completely baffled, with EVERYBODY staring at me. Thanks, Lady, just one more reason why the staff of this store will never forget me.


Enough for today, back to work.

A touchy subject

Oh boy... This is like opening the box of pandora... Though... if I EVER behaved awkwardly in your presence and you wondered why, you might wanna read this.


So, it's basically common knowledge that yours truly doesn't play all too well with others. To those who are not really close to me, I often appear rude, especially when it comes to greeting habits. So here it goes, a simple explanation as to why.
(Well, not so simple maybe because thinking of it, there are so many aspects to the topic that I'd like to adress, it could get a little messy along the way...)


Apart from the fact that I just tend to completely forget to introduce myself or others, which is not the point here...
...there's this fucking hugging business.

Eeeeeeverybody is hugging everybody.
And because everybody is so used to doing that, apparently everybody expects you (ME!) to do it too. But here's the thing: I'm not a big fan of it!

I cannot count the times people have started to pout because I refused to hug them.
In one fun episode of my life, I hugged a female friend goodbye (again, not because I wanted to but because it was expected of me) and her boyfriend, which I had never ever spoken to or even met properly spread his arms and started walking towards me. Seriously, what the fuck dude! I just stood there, very confused, watching him approach, and uttered a "Uhm... No!?". And guess what, he started arguing why I would refuse him. Rude me. Really, how dare I?

I've tried a more polite approach too, believe me. Several times. It never works though. I once told a classmates friend that I would happily shake his hand goodbye instead of hugging since I didn't play the hugging game. I also told him that it was nothing personal and no sign of refusal of his personality or character whatsoever. Because really, it's not. He didn't get it. The second time I met this person, he didn't get it AGAIN. And later complained to our mutual friend about how bitchy I was..


So the question is: Why is it so hard to except that somebody doesn't want to hug you? Especially if you're basically still strangers to eachother?

I'm gonna try and explain something:

First of all, a real hug includes a level of intimacy that not everybody might be comfortable with. Like me. I'm very picky when it comes to sympathy, let alone physical or psychological intimacy. Maybe too picky, but any way, I demand you to accept it. It's as easy as that: This is my line, don't fucking cross it.
If it's not a question of intimacy to you, then, seriously, why hug in the first place?
Because to me, that's what a hug is: a very physical sign of affection, NOT just a random greeting gesture. In my book, you do it with people you actually want close to you. In a physical, yet non-sexual way, that is.

For me though, there's a second level of trouble to this matter. Put in simple words: I don't like being touched. Here's where it gets harder to explain, but bear with me.
I do not enjoy random physical contact. It might be part of my 40% sociopathic personality (I took two different semi-legit tests online and they said 40 and 44 percent, so I like to believe there's something to it haha), but I have a different, less insane theory: I actually think it's caused by a physical condition I'm very likely to have: my muscle tone is higher than normal. Now, mind you, this is not a serious illness or anything bad. Basically it means that in a relaxed state, my muscles are more tense than the average persons muscles would be. To give you an example of a result, my hands are usually closed instead of my fingers just slightly curled in a relaxed moment. When walking, I tend to clench my hands around my sleeves or any other item at hand. My MP3 player, cellphone or a can of maze, that depends :P
(Funny enough, this is often seen as a sign of insecurity too. Get your shit together, psychology...)
But back to topic: Most unintentional contact you make in a crowded place is very light, a brush of the hand, a quick stroke, somebody squeezing through a gap next to you. To muscles that are rather tense, this is an unpleasant sensation. Aaaaand so is a light let's-try-to-touch-as-little-as-possible-hug (because to my experience, that's how most hugs go about in the first place because as we learned, they are not ment to be signs of affection but merely a greeting because you're expected to do it, remember?).

Are you beginning to see the problem yet? :P


Now, before my friends who I do hug on a regular basis start freaking out: Relax.We're good. I think I've come to a level of self-awareness where I would actually tell you no if I really had a problem with hugging you. Hell, I might even enjoy hugging you hello and goodbye if we've been hanging out for a while. ;)
(Just remember to apply at least a little pressure so my muscles don't get all confused haha...)

Then again, one meets new people every now and then. And here's where it becomes aaaaaall difficult again. From when on is it ok to offer hugs? Should I hug this person in the first place? Do I want to? What if I do it now and don't do it next time, will it be weird? Maybe I'm alone with this, but that's what actually happens in my head when I've met a friendly person more than, let's say, three times.

And what's even more annoying to me: I've caught myself "forcing" a hug onto others. Me! Being the one who initiates it while sensing it might now be "appropriate" or wished for by the other person. And all the while thingking "Body, wtf are you doing???"

So... As a result to my musings about hugging: If you consider me a friend and a goodbye scene has been awkward either due to hugging or the lack of it, please please please just file it under the oddities that come with being associated with me and don't worry about it ever again.

But still...
What happened to good, solid handshakes? Or even high fives? Hell, I love high fives. Can we please bring high fiving back to life? Or even freaking cheesy secret handshakes?
Seriously though, I'm extremely happy that a) I'm not french where people rub their faces together pretending to kiss (THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN HUGGING!!!) and b) this horrible custom never reached those close to me. I've seen teens do it nowadays, even guys with guys, and I'm sorry but it's just not right...



And then there's general touching. Oooooh boy.

Same thing basically applies, to me it's unpleasant, odd, and most of all a breach of my personal space.
You all have that overly touchy friend. The one who puts their hand on your arm or leg during every other sentence.
With me, there's a very clear rule for that: Don't fucking do it.

Now I've tried to explain this to several people several times. One guy went as far as to tell me there had to be something really wrong with me because we humans are driven to eachother and we should enjoy touching and whatnot. And since I said I didn't like these things, I had to be insane.

No, no, NO! I mean, yes, the guy was right in what he said. But these are NOT the same things! Yearning for tender snuggling and human interaction is definitely a good thing, Hell, I do that! Cuddling is fun, for example, among other things (mee-hehehe). I'm a cuddle monster when it comes down to it.

And while - with people I cherish - I have no issues whatsoever with being piled up on a sofa during a movie night with some buddies, resting my head on somebodys shoulder, leaning on someone, punching or pushing somebody whenever they deserve it or do any sort of activity that justifies physical contact (like, what the hell do I know, arm wrestling or some such), any unneccessary contact is strictly to avoid. I'm not gonna bitchslap you if it happens, but as soon as it get's too much, I might just tell you to get your freaking hands away from me. And believe me, I will. I do. I did recently and guess what, the person understood, made fun of it and ever since behaved perfectly fine. Best case scenario!



Phew... I think, so far I've covered it all.
I really wish I could just print this and hand it to every person it might apply to. Because I know I will be explaining this over and over and over again. Well, maybe in the future I'll just send folks the link to this. Fuck awkward communication. ;)

So, to my real life friends, I guess: Untill we meet again, hugging or not. :P At least now you should know why I do what I do.